a moment out of love

While I was in the hospital, committed in a mental ward after attempting suicide, a social worker came to talk to me. She asked a lot of questions that had very long answers. She asked about our marriage. She asked about you. When I had finally finished explaining what I felt capable of explaining, and asked how someone who told you that you were the love of their life, their soul mate, their best friend, could abandon you and within a month begin dating again, she answered that she thought it just meant I was a better person than you.

I told her that I knew you were an asshole, but at least you were my asshole.

Eternal Sunshine of the Not-so-Spotless Mind

I still have something to say. I just don't know how to say it all.

Life is rocky. I need to find my voice again; I need to talk, speak, write, shout it out until it is heard, known, understood. I feel sometimes as though I have lost myself. I have defined my life as wife, mother, friend, volunteer, cook, daughter, what-have-you. What I have not defined is me. Although I'm not looking for some definitive label, I am looking for answers that only I can give myself. Who am I? What the hell am I doing with my life? It must not be the right thing if I can still ask and not know the answer, even a little bit. I need to strip away all of the trappings of this crazy life and listen to myself before I speak.

I can't stand it anymore...

...so I've finally given in and now am using the actual blog hosting service since our server is down and there is no way of telling when/if/how it will ever be usable again. Damn, damn, damn! I just had it the way I liked it, and I may have just broken Peter's programming heart by giving in, but I miss blogging, and I miss being in touch with people. If we're ever able to recover what was on the old server, I can create archives of past posts. I'm living with hope in my heart that that will be possible.

So what on the planet have I been up to? Everything. Wyatt and Calvin FINALLY came home from Texas. I missed them horribly. They seem to have grown by leaps and bounds. Wyatt turned 6 (!!!) the day they came home. We had a family party at Bullwinkles, which was lots of fun but surprisingly expensive. Calvin started 3rd grade yesterday. He has his own locker! He's so grown up it sometimes scares me. Where did my tiny blue-eyed cherub go? He's now so tall and tan - all the little girls think he's so cute - and I'm so proud I'm bursting, but I can't help feeling somewhat sad that he is so grown up. Speaking of school starting... Wyatt starts kindergarten on Tuesday (he just can't wait!). And I start Western Culinary Institute on the 27th.

It's been a busy summer. I'm going to spend a little time seeing how this Blogger thing works. More posting later.